Knowing When to Crash Out: A Counselor's Perspective

Imagine this. You are a 5 year old in Ms. Verde's Kindergarten class. She tells the class to line up for music. You bolt out of your desk and sprint past the pencil sharpener towards the door. You got there first, fair and square, but Chad steps in front of you. All you see is red. You wanted to be the line leader. Nothing is more important than this. You begin to yell at Chad that you were there first. Ms. Verde comes to see what is going on. You tell her you were there first, but she keeps Chad at the front of the line anyways. How could she do this? You drop to your knees and begin sob-screaming and you refuse to go to music class.

While this response may be developmentally appropriate for a 5 year old, it's never too early to start teaching and modeling emotion regulation. This week's topic is about 'Sizing the Problem,' and it's a helpful tool for both kids and adults. In fact, I use it myself. All. The. Time.

The first time I presented on 'Sizing the Problem' was at an elementary school in Junction City, Kansas. In a shock to no one, several children were CRASHING OUT when they weren't the line leader. Complete meltdowns. So, as the School Counselor, I adapted a lesson to help teach these babies how to size their problem and appropriate reactions for when those issues come up using visuals and case studies. The main message: The size of your reaction should match the size of your problem.

Large Problems

Structure your thinking to view problems as small, medium, or large. This framework is easy to understand and provides a common language. First, teach kids, and remind yourself, that large problems are when someone is seriously hurt (physically/emotionally), or unsafe. For example, at recess, Chad jumped off the swing and landed on his leg funny. You sense something is very wrong when Chad can't get up and is screaming in pain. Even though you're still furious that Chad took your spot as line leader, you run towards your teacher at the other side of the playground, frantically pointing and yelling that Chad is hurt. In other words, we are appropriately having a large reaction to a large problem. When large problems occur, we need help from someone else. Immediately.

Medium Problems

Medium-size problems can also require support; whether that be a friend, family member, colleague, or adult for a child. However, with medium problems, we sometimes can try to solve it ourselves first. Medium problems might elicit feelings of worry, stress, or sadness. For example, you've been having tension with a colleague at work over tasks and responsibilities for a project. You feel frustrated, stressed, and have not been sleeping well. You attempt to set a meeting to discuss your concerns, but they refuse to talk to you. You decide to get Human Resources (HR) involved to help you instead of putting tacks on your colleagues chair. Mature choice, way to go. Medium problems need attention, but are not as urgent or an emergency.

Small Problems

Here we are. The answer you've all been waiting for. It's hard to understand, but Chad being the line leader instead of you is a small problem. Dropping to the floor in hysterics over this problem is not it. It's not. Your toddler accidentally spilt their milk all over the floor. Screaming at them is not matching your reaction to the size of the problem. Small problems are easily fixed (simply, wipe up the milk), and easy to let go of (this sucks, but I'll be line leader another time). With both kids and adults, we often have large reactions to small problems. Hence, why this is a lesson and topic in the first place.

Final Note

Sizing a problem is a lot more complex than it sounds. This skill takes practice and frequent reminders for both kids and adults. Remember that everyone feels and reacts differently to various issues. This is not to say your feelings are not valid. Your feelings are what they are. You might feel pissed that Karen has the blue crayon when you need the blue crayon. That feeling is okay. What is important is doing your best to assess the size of the problem, and matching your reaction to it. In other words, no need to burn the the place down over this one.